Tonight stank, so I’ll keep it brief. The Flyers played the Capitals in what was definitely a hockey game. The Orange & Blacks were absolutely skunky the entire time except for a brief spell in the first half where the score was tied 1-1 (and even then, Philly never looked in control). What exactly happened here? Let’s break it down.

The Caps opened things up with Conor Sheary’s Brian Elliott pants, a piece pretty indicative of how the night was going to turn out. Elliott looked as fast as a stop-motion video and had trouble seeing the puck, which wasn’t a good sign.

The Flyers looked listless, but a daring pass from Ilya Samsonov and the piercing eyes of James van Riemsdyk (whom I took to call Jimbo van Rimbo, because I have to entertain myself in these horrific games in some way or another). another) ended up in the back. of the net when Sean Couturier tipped it over at home.

However, the Flyers had no illusions about being competitive in this game, simply floating and pushing their sticks towards the puck like a bunch of sleepy toddlers in a morning practice. Brian Elliott left another grueling goal after the Caps got the better end of an uncertain penalty on Shayne Gostisbehere, and it was off to races from there.

Nicolas Dawn-Kubel took a completely unnecessary and stupid interference penalty (everyone drinks!), Which Backstrom and Ovechkin quickly turned into Washington’s third count of the period. Getting your stick in a passing lane is tough, people, or at least the Flyers seemed to think so given their complete lack of interference with the seam in the low lunge. Yikes.

The last straw came when Elliott allowed his horrific third goal of the game against Carl Hagelin, a squeaker through all five holes. The coverage here also cannot be ignored; Sanheim just pushing the dude in front as Hagelin relaxed in the open wasn’t exactly an exemplary defense.

Oh, and because it’s a waste of the “Flyers suck and nothing can suit them” manual, there was a first. Anthony Mantha tickled the string with a laser to make it 5-1, before the Flyers farted a few sleepy shifts again and brought things along in the third period. Just over five minutes into the last 20, Ovechkin finally scored the goal that everyone knew was coming.

Nolan Patrick had a chance but couldn’t find the back of the net, blah blah blah, the Caps controlled the game the whole game and finished that spanking without allowing another goal. The final result? A 6-1 loss for the Flyers that essentially erased the infinitesimal odds of making the playoffs they had. Awesome.

Three big things

1. Tanner Laczynski looked better than more than half the players on the ice tonight, including the Caps guys. Part of it was an arraignment that he was playing against, of course, but the Ohio State product generated a number of chances and generally looked like a quality player in the NHL. I’ve long thought Laczynski reminds me a lot of former Predators winger Craig Smith, albeit a worse version, and tonight’s performance is consistent with that.
2. Brian Elliott is old as the dirt and needs to retire. The mere lack of lateral mobility exhibited by the veteran was painful to see, and it made an already steep climb impossible. The Flyers should start experimenting with internal options like Alex Lyon to at least see what they have.
3. The whole team looked checked out tonight except for the new child mentioned above. It’s safe to say this season is over. It’s time to start looking at the draft, I guess (please hammer nails in my eyes with a hammer).

Post-game music

We started the night off with MF DOOM, and we’ll end with a few too.

Good night, and as always, go Flyers.